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Wednesday, July 07, 2004

searching for the more fundamental sense of self July 04


I can't be sure when I started to go "inward" but i do believe it happened during my 3 month tour with Eric Idle. Being on the road, performing and working in a fashion that was completely different to my normal mode of operandi, allowed me to get out of the "gold fish bowl" and really seek to understand my journey in an objective sense. I remember long bus rides through snow country up near the Canadian border, watching endless white plains and listening to Sting, and trying to hear the real silence going on within. By the time I got to Australia for the December summer, I was exhausted from touring, from performing, from delivering everything outward, which was an accumulation of years of self-projection. I knew I needed a big long rest. Aussie beaches, familiar faces, and sitting on top of my mountain created solace and inner peace, but the weariness persisted. I returned to Los Angeles in the U.S Spring and jumped right back into the mouse wheel. I never questioned my innate creative habits and had the ability to turn everything I touched to gold. Or so I thought. I planned my next album production, threw myself into writing songs, collecting songs, gathering information. My schedule became heavy again with live performances, talk appearances, conferences, website promotions, meetings and travel. I even attracted a love interest which allowed me to plan even further into the long distance future. Wow, what a concept... my whole life mapped out for me in a millisecond. But just when you least expect it, I began singing "...and the walls came tumbling down.. and the walls, came tumbling, tumbling..." Studio schedules conflicted and then canceled, producers backed out, touring plans went on hold and "the one" became an intangible and conditionally wrong use of my awkward and idealistic vocabulary. Just when I thought I had planned my life, I now ended up not even knowing how to plan today. I have had to go completely still... and listen to the silence. Inward journeys like these are lifelong, and it's not the first time I've succumbed to the gray, but I know this time it's timely and very important, in order for me to grow as an artist and human being. Everything I've ever dreamed of I am now questioning. I want to demystify the illusions we sometimes depend on to live. Love. "the one". Fame. Success. Art. I want to demystify the need for approval and acceptance from others in order to live a fulfilled life as an artist and human being. I can only imagine that by going inward, and knowing who we really are, and love who we really are, that there is no need to seek approval or acceptance, .... from fans, from the industry... from our loved ones. I know that if we push, we get blocked. If we want, we go without. But if we yield, life becomes magic. Push, shove, I try to fight it Mighty warrior girl Lean and strong I can resist anything Create anything. Master of my destiny The will, the force, the energy. Surely nature succumbs to me. .... and yet not. I have no control this time. It comes, a mighty wind. A crunch, a hard crack. Bang. I resist. I succumb To the power beyond my control. Beyond foreseen voyeurs. I am a victim of circumstance. It hits my heart like a train and throttles me in five directions. Crack, whip. My eyes close. I protect... yet nothing. What if I were 2 paces back? I would have missed the missile, the blow. Or if behind in danger My life would be over. And so I am lucky. Life is like that. One never knows where IT will flow from or break through or END you. Go with the flow Enjoy the moment as moments are so few. I want to deconstruct ego. Ego is healthy. But I want to deconstruct it nevertheless and really, truly see what it is, when it comes to performance. The opening segue for my new album will be called Deconstruction. Here are the words: Deconstruction I hold my breath I catch myself It oozes from my pores I resist I put up walls ‘Cause I fear to fall But what is this fear I feel An inability to stand tall Never lose my sense of self Rigid in my id You come to me open arms and I deconstruct all ego Deconstruct the self Surrender to swimming Underwater upside down Deconstruct the fear Dip into the well Clean out the cobwebs Decompose addiction Surrender deconstruction. Let it come. Who am I but no one special Perfection doesn’t make me. I float and be the bag Wherever wind takes me. Be mine, my sweet wine, As I disassemble the priority line I’m facing a highway and feeling Tender in my convictions. Am I alone in this dualism of creation? We’re born alone, we live alone we die alone. That’s what the angel sang to me but I resist I want more than this. I deconstruct the symbols and the signs And find metaphors to guide me to unity Clarity Together, another, love beyond the borders Of my own heart. Can there be two hearts that beat like one? Many paths I’ve travelled, many roads have led me here. I cry I laugh I shout I retreat Circumstances created fear. I’ve lived a thousand years and spoken with devils and angels I run the mile, the lonely mile Path least travelled through the ages. And in my rhetoric Of this moment being mine Past present future It’s one delicious glass of wine Solitude is comforting But it’s not where I want to be I’m blindfolded ready Into the abyss you guide me Goddess, mother, warrior, man, Lover, mermaid, phoenix, wife Husband, father, sister, brother, Jump into my extraordinary life As we are tested we fund the power to avert blockage and defeat. But I am not defeated. On the contrary, my heart beats strong and wild, and even in my sleep my imagination and creativity pour through me like liquid gold. But I am here to tell you that I am dealing with loss of illusion. All my life I've wanted something and when I find out what that something truly is - I'm not sure if that's what I want or is right for me. Perhaps until now I've looked at life through rose colored glasses. It's time to shatter conditional goals.. that create this illusion. The glass has shattered and I am finding clarity. Between the black and the white I find clarity Between the darkness and light You resurrect me I am a vision in white Serenity Come inside my extraordinary life I can only say that the process for making this album is a wonderful one. Already I've had delays, people in and out of my life, my heart has exploded and deploded, music is created, and then put aside, then re-touched.. and I haven't even gone into the studio yet. I have had to run the gamut of emotions in order for me to truly embark on such an opus, because it really is about living an extraordinary life, and that doesn't mean always fun and amazing. Well, amazing yes. But I've had to touch the dark side too, like the temperamental one in that other album. I've had to feel love, pain, loss, tears, joy, heart, skin, water, earth. And this is my life. But i've had to remember it all in a bubble called 2004 which is only half way. Last sunday I experienced an amazing heart explosion. I sat under the 4th July fireworks at the Rose Bowl and allowed my body to reach into the sky and explode with the fireworks. I was fortunate enough to be with the pyrotechnics team and laid on the grass... right... under ... where they lit the fireworks. It was like I was IN the fireworks and they cracked inside of me. What kaleidoscope of color, line and perspective. I knew I was alive in that moment, living and breathing and feeling, really feeling. At one point i was crying. It.. was... amazing. I always want to feel things Big. That's probably why I have a crazy notion on love, on dreams, on living and attaing the ideal. I am a poet, a philosopher, and I see the potential of an ideal world. Am I the only one? It's such a lonely path to believe in life so much, in dreams, in the possibilities. the white the pedestal you place me on the art you glorify the picture you create of me the image you identify. the black the bubble which you wish to burst the ego of you i reflect the expectations you deflate the negatives you project all of which are neither me, none, not truly it's in between you'll find the truth, it's where you'll find me. what you see that is "out" there may be something you identify or deny but the inner is what you may never know and if i don't touch it i may never be able to show So right now, it's time to direct my energies inward. I've been so OUTWARD for years. Everyone has bought into the illusion, even me. So let's shatter that for a moment, deconstruct what is (or isn't) and go in, way in, to a still place call id, to the child, back to me. For if I lose sight of that inner life, and instead only focus on the aspect of my life that is outward, then I will lose sight of the greatest source of strength and competence I could possible have

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